dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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