Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
