you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
