apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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