I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize