im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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