Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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