My liver just broke up with me...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
