my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
