I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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