im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I supernannyed him into submission
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm both gender and math confused
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
