They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Randomize
