Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
