you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
