he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
