mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize