yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I need a burrito and a hug.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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