You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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