I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
