Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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