My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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