Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize