I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Girls should come with a carfax report
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
should my penis look like a turkey
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
