you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
