I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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