You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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