come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
