I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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