Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
