Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
