She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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