Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How does one acquire holy water?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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