I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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