I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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