my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I supernannyed him into submission
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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