I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
