he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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