Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
