the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
