Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My vagina is very pro this idea
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
