I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
