i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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