That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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