That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize