Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
