I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
In America we eat man semen.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
