Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
