Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
