nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
