You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
