i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize