Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
