Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
