I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
