I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
