I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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