Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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