Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
