the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize