when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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