you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
