I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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