drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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